Languishing
This weekend, I was laying in bed procrastinating actually getting up by scrolling the New York Times and I came across something that set all my brain bells a-ringing.
[BTW, can I just say that this is my favorite procrastination method? It both lets me stay in bed AND also later in the day smarmily mention an article I read in the Times, which makes me sound like I’ve totally got my $h!t together. Procrastination win!]
Anywhoo.
It was an opinion piece by psychologist Adam Grant where he talked about something he referred to as “the neglected middle child of mental health.”
It’s called “languishing” and while this is likely not the first time you’ve ever heard this word, you may not realize that it has a pretty specific definition in psychology (I sure didn’t).
From Grant’s piece:
“Languishing is a sense of stagnation and emptiness. It feels as if you’re muddling through your days, looking at your life through a foggy windshield.”
Then he says the thing that really caught my attention:
“And it might be the dominant emotion of 2021.”
Oh.
Oooooooh.
It seems like almost everyone I talk to has been describing exactly this.
Not depressed. And not exactly burned out.
But not thriving.
Some energy, but aimlessness, a sort of dullness.
I don’t want to quote the entire article at you (but definitely go check it out— I’ll link it at the bottom of this email), but there were a few key takeaways from it that I want to mention here:
research has shown that one of the best strategies for managing emotions is to name them
we aren’t alone: languishing is a common and shared experience
that it’s an acceptable answer to “How are you?” (“Honestly, I’m languishing.”)
And, importantly, he says that the antidote to languishing is the concept of flow:
"Flow is that elusive state of absorption in a meaningful challenge or a momentary bond, where your sense of time, place, and self melts away.”
Fragmented attention is the enemy of flow, so setting boundaries and finding ways to give ourselves some uninterrupted time and some small wins to focus on is at the heart of his advice for finding this flow.
All of this really resonated for me and I wonder if it does for you, too?
I’ve had a deep craving for routines and rhythms in my life lately and I suspect that this is where that craving might be stemming from.
Decision-making fatigue has been setting in after tiny, unremarkable decisions (“What’s for dinner?” I don’t care…pizza again?).
So things like a very basic and predictable morning routine seem to be the key for me to be able to do the work I care about with focus and high-quality attention.
Also, cutting out the noise.
I’ve taken all the social media apps off of my phone as well as my email app.
The button getting the most use on my phone right now is the one that puts it in airplane mode.
Well, that and my timer.
I’m living by my timer at the moment…this doesn’t always work for me, but when it does, it really does.
90 minutes of work on a single thing (this is where airplane mode comes in), followed by a 30-minute free-for-all.
Snacks, social media, playing ball with the dog, taking a shower…whatever I feel like. No rules.
A real lunch hour at the table or outside. 60 minutes to eat and play, whether that’s listening to a podcast, reading my book, going for a walk, whatever— just not work.
I realize this isn’t a good fit for everyone, but I wanted to share what’s been helping me find that flow, in case it serves you in any way.
Get curious about where you are.
About what’s working and what’s not.
Dig around and look for what you’re feeling and try naming the feelings and emotions that you find.
Pay attention to what helps and what doesn’t.
How can you find some flow in your days?
Are there routines that might help?
Or ways to share those momentary bonds? A good call with a friend or enjoying outdoor coffee with them now that the weather is nice (or even fewer limitations for you fully vaccinated folks! Almost there!)?
Can you give yourself some space and grace to dig in and get curious and figure out how to get what you need to stop languishing and actually thrive?
If you’re not sure what this might look like for you or how to put it into action, consider enlisting help, Cynthia.
You don’t have to figure it out alone.
Here’s what I can offer:
The podcast and these emails are always available as completely free ways to check in and get your brain moving around these questions
Say The Word retreats happen every two months or so and are a phenomenal way to connect with a small community of people ready to do some of this work, dig into where you are right now, and create a springboard for moving forward. The next one is May 22 and we’ll be talking about what’s been working and what hasn’t in this first half of the year, and how to move into the second half of 2021 with fresh energy, focus, and commitment to what matters to us. (Early bird pricing ends next week, so don’t wait if you’re interested in this!)
Momentum Sessions are great for when you want to sit down together and put a tangible, focused plan in place, create your structures, and walk through the work together in a single intensive session.
The One Question Workshop is a two-session package where we dig into single issue or question you’re ready to dive into. We spend the first session diving in deep, getting to the heart of where you are and where you want to go, and then determining your ‘homework’ to put what we discover into practice. Your second session is where we evaluate, course correct, and determine how to move forward sustainably.
And of course, I take a limited number of full coaching clients each quarter, where we spend twelve weeks creating new patterns and sustainable habits to build a strong foundation for living the rich and meaningful life you’re meant to be living. This is for folks who are ready for fully integrating the daily practices necessary for real and meaningful change.
If any of this sounds like it might be of service in your life, be sure to book your free 30-minute mini-session so we can touch base and get to know each other a bit.
It’s not a sales call and it matters to me that you walk away with a tangible takeaway to get you started down your path, so don’t be shy… seriously.
And if financial concerns are holding you back, reach out. I offer a limited number of scholarship slots for every type of service, so shoot me an email and let me know you’re interested and I’ll send you an application.
Don’t waste time and energy trying to go it alone— save it for what matters to you.
Whether it’s my services or someone else’s, or you’re in need of a licensed mental health professional, find the help that’s right for you.
If you’re languishing right now, know that you’re not the only one.
As Adam Grant said, it’s likely the dominant emotion of 2021.
Get curious. Name your emotions.
Find pockets of uninterrupted time in which to find your flow.
And reach out for help in whatever form works for you.
Stay curious out there, my friend.
P.S. I almost forgot-- you can catch Adam Grant's full opinion piece HERE