Time + Choice

Last week I talked about the fact that our lives aren’t actually "on hold" and that we still have agency over our lives.

Well, as it turns out, that seems to have struck a nerve with a few folks:

(Can I just state for the record here that using the phrase “I’m very disappointed” to chastise another adult is one of the most comically patronizing ways to disagree with someone? Just sayin’)

(Can I also state for the record that “hate mail” is sort of bizarrely exciting? l can’t help but think of vehement disagreement as anything but a surefire sign that I actually said something…which is, you know, the whole point of this exercise…)

Anywhoo.

Here’s the thing— I also had several people reach out with excitement or relief at my words, and some who asked for more about how to fully embrace that agency. 

So let’s dive into that.

What does agency actually look like in our real day-to-day lives? Where do we find all these choices I keep going on about?

In how we spend our time, that’s where. 

I can see your eye-rolling from here, but c’mon, stay with me here.

How we choose to spend our minutes, and thus our hours, days, weeks— our lives— is the most fundamental choice we have.

And before you start sharing your laundry list of things that impact your time, I want to state loudly and clearly that there is still choice hiding in each one.

Here’s where we often get derailed— because we find the consequence of making certain choices absolutely unacceptable, we deem that no choice exists. But that’s not true.

For example, I would hope that we’re in agreement that someone choosing to completely neglect the presence and well-being and basic needs of their children comes with absolutely unacceptable consequences. Just because it’s clearly a bad choice does not, however, remove the fact that choice exists. 

We have external choices about how we spend our minutes, as well as internal choices. 

Keeping appointments, whether or not we can travel or spend time with loved ones in person, our ability to move about our world freely— these are all external time choices. So are whether we care for our children, pets, spouses, roommates, parents, etc. Sometimes some of these external choices are removed depite our own wishes.

Our internal choices are about how we spend our time are more subtle. They all happen somewhat invisibly. Our thoughts, emotions, imagination, creativity…these are all choices we are making moment-to-moment within the confines of our own heads and hearts.

Some choices are harder to categorize. What news or content we choose to consume is a good example of a choice that's a mix of internal and exernal.

And our internal and external choices are constantly overlapping and inexorably tied to one another.

Viktor Frankel wrote extensively about his experiences surviving the Holocaust. Throughout his book Man’s Search For Meaning, he comes back to choice again and again as our most essential, and most inherent, freedom. Choosing only one of his quotes to share is difficult, but this is too good not to share (seriously- go read his book):

I can’t help but think that if he could embrace agency over his choices within the confines of Auschwitz, I can probably find agency in my own comparatively wide array.

Look. Our suffering is relative and I’m not saying that anyone struggling should "buck up" and be glad they aren’t in a death camp. 

What I am saying is that every one of us has freedom and choice. That we all have agency.

That taking full responsibility for the minutes of our lives is how we lead connected and engaged lives.

Honoring our time is a deep commitment to showing up for ourselves and our lives. It’s the very first place we can truly practice choice, whether it’s choosing ourselves first, holding our boundaries, taking the promises we make to ourselves as seriously as we take promises we make to others, or simply choosing to embrace wherever it is we are and own that as being okay.

Sometimes we choose to binge Tiger King or scroll hilarious memes on Facebook or lay around in our pjs all day reading our favorite book for the 47th time. 

Sometimes we choose to hold to a schedule, plant a garden, go for a run, reach out to a friend, write a book, run a business. 

Sometimes we choose to set aside goals to snuggle kids, answer a call, change gears, take a break.

These are all totally okay. Whatever. I’m not here to tell you what choices are right for you.

What I’m here to remind you is that you have choices.

That owning your choices and making them with awareness is where your power lies. It’s the ultimate act of freedom. It’s the ultimate act of self-love.

Stay curious out there.

P.S. If you missed it in the Facebook Live a few weeks ago, our book club book this month is The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates! I'll be discussing it live in The Curiosity Cabinet on Friday, May 1 at 3pm EST/12pm PST. I hope I'll see you there!